im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
