she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I lost the right to judge tonight
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize