If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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