Screwed.edu
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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