I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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