I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
