Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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