dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Randomize
