Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
