So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
