I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize