My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
