I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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