at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
