i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize