Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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