The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
