I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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