the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
