He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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