apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize