People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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