so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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