He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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