why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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