I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's blow job season.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
