well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
