I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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