the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
