I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
And then my night got REAL pukey
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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