Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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