textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
