Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Blood and glitter go together right?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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