can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
