i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
