my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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