my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize