If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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