Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
