I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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