Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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