i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
