I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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