fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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