God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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