I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize