thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
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