I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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