I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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