I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
