If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
