Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
