I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
