I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
