So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
