i may or may not be watching the land before time
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
