I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize