I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
