Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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