Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
