make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
